I kind of laughed and looked at Luke and said it still felt like I was dreaming. Since October I felt like I was in a dream. Just before I gave birth even I had to look down and try to let it sink in that I was pregnant and going to have a baby.

And then there he was and I was stumped. They took him away and cleared his throat and checked his vitals. And then it hit me.

I missed him.

I wanted him back with me. I needed to have my baby. My little boy. When were they going to bring him back to me? {I am crying a bit now as I write this because I still miss him when he is not with me. As a matter of fact, he is sleeping on my chest now as I type this blog.}

I have spent the last nine months thinking about how I have to go through all the baby trials again. All the diapers and no sleep and chasing around. The idea of all that work again terrified me. But I have met Will now and he is worth everything. I will happily do it all over again for him. My mind has gone from feeling fear over the work to feeling privileged that I get to do the work. Yes, I feel privileged that God gave me another child to love and raise. I am gaga over Will.

William Patrick – Born July 9th – 8lbs. 14 oz. (you feel me, ladies?!) – 20 inches – Wonderful!

I could go on and on about this new special little boy, but I will spare you and get right to some photos. I snapped these images just before we left the hospital. Little Will, less than two days old…

]]> http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/1293/feed 2 http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/1269 http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/1269#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:43:38 +0000 Jessie http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/?p=1269 There were two of us at my pity party this morning (2.9 if you count Will – still in my tummy!).

Today is July 6th. Today is my due date. Today at my doctor appointment the doctor said that I have not progressed towards delivery. Today she said that she will not schedule an induction because I am still not far enough along. Today I was trying not to cry at the appointment desk as I made another appointment for next week.

I have been waiting for this day since October. And I have been thinking of nothing else but being not pregnant anymore for the last month. I will not force you to attend my pity party too by going over details with you, but this last month of pregnancy has been one of the most uncomfortable times of my life, and never did I think that I would still be pregnant on this day, July 6th. And never did I think that the Doctor would say that I should make a 41-week appointment for next week!

So I came home from my appointment and sat at the table with Luke and cried. And felt sorry for myself. And he listened and stayed home from work and was the amazing husband that he always is. And now I feel better. And ready to meet Will. Oh so ready!

Luke suggested we go for a walk after our party. Bella looked at us and said, “We can go for a walk but mama should stay home and rest because her feet are too fat.” Out of the mouths of babes. Yes, I have been having some severe swelling problems this last month and walking has not been easy. I can only wear one pair of my shoes at the moment. I think that I will have some sort of shoe-burning party after my body returns to normal. I wonder how well these beauties will burn…

And then I realized something about my photography. About how much joy and gratitude play a role in it. About how, if you cannot find joys in the simplicity of life, you cannot capture them with your camera.

You see, I am a joy junkie. In my shoots, I want to find that joy. I want to get that moment when you let down your guard and let me in and share with me. I crave that.

And I believe that for you to do well with photography {or your other ventures}, you will also need to seek out that joy. You will need to appreciate the small gifts and be patient enough to wait for the big ones. Once you are able to do that, you can relax and let yourself feel those moments. It is hard to describe this feeling, but try it sometime. Try to feel the joys in the task in front of you and I think that your work will change. And so might your life {big statement to throw in at the end of a paragraph, I know}.

I know that you may want some technical advice by now in these shop talks. You know, talk about lenses and light and Photoshop and printing, but that will have to wait for now. Because while these things are incredibly important, learning how to not worry about them is important too.

And just to share two of my joys with you, here are Bella and Abe. Can you feel their joy?

How I got this shot? This is called “panning” and is all about your shutter speed {and patience}. I first determined the correct shutter speed for how much background movement I wanted. Too fast a shutter speed, and the background would not show enough blur. Too slow, and the elements would not have been recognizable. So, play with the shutter speed and check the viewfinder on the back of your camera to determine your personal preference. I was at 1/60 here.

Then you want to be sure that all of your subject is in focus, and that your aperture is not too wide. I was at a 9.5 here. I am never at a 9.5 {I like a very narrow depth of field – i.e. very blurry backgrounds}. However, in this case, I knew that the motion would give me the blur that I needed so I didn’t worry about that. Plus, the swing was moving around so much that I needed to have a very large focal plane so I could catch the kids in focus no matter where the swing took them.

Once you have all of that determined, you then need to move with the subject. Yes, you need to pan! I planted my feet and body so that I would face their resting position directly from the side {Does that make any sense?}. Then when Luke swung them, I kept my feet planted and moved my camera with the kids at their speed.

Finally, you need to take lots of shots. I took over 50 of them swinging to get this one good one. This was especially tricky because you have two kids to look good and have their eyes open and you have a swing that spins, so sometimes I would get a shot of their backs. Remember that whole patience bit?:)

Good luck…

Then I became pregnant with a 2- and 3/4-year-old at home. My choices have been different. Keep clients happy? Yup, choose that. Work hard on shoots and images? Yup, choose that. Lay down on the couch and rest/read instead of blogging? Yup, I choose that too. Hang out with my kids instead of blogging? Yup. Eat instead of blogging? Yup. Pretty much do anything instead of blogging or working on my new website? Yup.

So, you will have to bear with me through this pregnancy and beyond and trust that my blogging may not be on track anymore, but I still work very hard for my clients. And know that I love to blog, I just can’t do it so much anymore.

I was complaining to my husband today about being sick of being tired and he said, “Don’t worry, it is only for a couple more months.” I got a good laugh from that as he realized that he was sort of forgetting about the part after you give birth and have a new baby that makes you tired too! He then changed his statement to, “Ok, you will only be tired for a couple more months, then you will be exhausted!”

But just to remind us how worth it they are, here is another recent newborn image from my stash…

I hope your Easter was a great one too! And now back to the chaos of life…

I hope to finish up my to-do list of albums and newborn shoots and website design soon so I can post more blogs. I miss you guys.:)

My mom always told me that everything was better when I was there. That experiences were more fun and that she enjoyed herself more. That I brought something to the atmosphere like no one else could do in her world. She always made me feel so good about myself.

And then yesterday, Bella, Luke, and I played cards. Bella has recently learned Old Maid and Crazy Eights and Go Fish. Coming from a family whose core includes playing games, it melts my heart to see how much Bella loves to play. As we played, Bella kept cracking Luke and I up. She is wonderfully expressive, and the way she would squeal when someone took took the old maid from her or when she had just the right card to play, made Luke and I laugh so hard. She got excited about everything. She laughed hard. She played well. She was kind.

After I finally stopped laughing at one of her squeals, it came out naturally. “Bella, you make everything so much fun. It is always so much more fun when you are around.” And then I actually heard myself. I heard my mom in myself. And I remembered how my mom made me feel. But in that moment I was also aware of how my mom must have felt. I had to take a pause to feel this. To feel how much I adore this treasure of a child. How amazing I think she is. How terribly proud of her I am. How my life is 1000 times better with her in it. How she makes me laugh. How she teaches me new things. How she helps me know my mom better even five and a half years after her death.

I could go on and on here about how I adore Bella. When I asked God for a daughter, I never imagined that He would bless me with one so great. My life with her is better than I ever knew could exist. And on January 30th, she turned four. In the week before her birthday, out of the blue she would squeal and clap and shout “I am going to be four!” Oh to be excited about getting older!

At one of her three recent birthday celebrations, she received cowgirl boots. As grandma Lisa and I were sitting on the couch visiting, Bella was enjoying her new boots. Once she noticed me taking her picture, she came alive with a variety of unprompted poses. All these photos were taken within a minute and ten seconds of each other! She is a natural…

Grandma Lisa arrived with a party hat she made for Bella as well as a Tinkerbell cake and fairy wings. She knows how to bring a party!

We have a local favorite place to go called Stabby’s Cafe (awesome breakfasts!), and we went there for a birthday breakfast. Bella and Abe were both sick and tired and it was not what we had hoped for, but fun nonetheless. Abe did not want to cooperate for the camera, and two seconds after I took the shot of him creating a fork/glass tower, he flung his fork across the table and spilled Bella’s entire glass of juice everywhere, making us the restaurant favorites. This parenting thing is a piece of cake…

Our final party of the weekend and Bella requested a princess cake (of course!)…

I know it is a lot of images of my Bella, but sometimes I have just got to be an over-proud mom who wants to show off her kids! Thanks for hanging in there with me.:)

So today when he did another shrill frustration scream, he and I had a chat. I again told him that screaming was not ok and that he had to talk instead {which he does quite well by now}. I told him that when he gets frustrated he could make a “grrrr” noise and clench his teeth and fists to blow off some steam. I did this for him a couple of times.

Grrr. Teeth and fists clenched. Grrrr. Teeth and fists clenched. See? Easy. Frustration gone.

Then I asked him to try. He did exactly as I had just showed him with a little added pre-learned twist. Grrrr. Teeth and fists clenched. Stomp foot while saying a frustrated “dammit!” under his breath. I was so surprised that I had to turn away to conceal my laughter. {Let me just interject at this point to say that in no way do I condone children swearing and in general do not find it funny – but really- when your child says a minor swear word and executes it so perfectly, it just takes you by surprise and you have to have one of those hiding-your-laughter-because-it-is-wrong moments!} I was at such a loss for words that our conversation just ended. For lack of a better strategy I decided to accept the screams for the rest of the day and ponder over a better response for next time. After all, the screams were better than his alternative. Just another fine parenting day…

So this post doesn’t go photoless, I am including a photo from when we went to see Cinderella at the Children’s Theater on December 31st. Notice Abe’s new haircut and my cheeks getting chubbier…:)

And then one day in late-December I was walking into Chipotle and I was giddy. The kids and I were spending the day with some of our dear friends and I went on a Chipotle lunch run for my friend and I. And I was suddenly conscious of feeling joyful again. That moment is so clear in my head as I parked the car and walked in the snow to get our goodies.

The snow was falling so beautifully – what a blessing. I got to eat Chipotle for lunch – what a blessing. The kids were happily playing with their best friends and I got to hang out with one of mine for the day – what a blessing. I was not tired – what a blessing. I had survived my first trimester with a 2- and 3-year old and a major cold – what a blessing! Yes, I was giddy. As in giggling to myself while waiting in line and chatting with the people behind the counter and singing loudly to the radio my whole drive back to my friend’s house. My life was good.

But the funny thing is that my life was good the entire time and I knew that. I just couldn’t feel it. I didn’t have the mental and physical energy to feel my life. I was just surviving. And now I get to live again. To have the energy to play with my kids. To kiss my husband. To stay awake for life…At least until July when I am up feeding a newborn all night! Hum…I had better take full advantage of it while I can!

Part of “waking up” means that I get to work again (yea!). Since I am thinking of joy and friendship I wanted to post a couple images that go on that same theme from a wedding we shot on Saturday. Beautiful Jess was so joyful and giddy on her wedding day, and this moment she shared with her friend makes me smile…

You see, I like the truth and I am very open about myself, my life, and my feelings. When life is easy and good, this is easy and good. But when God gives you challenges it can be difficult to be so open.

And I was not sure if I wanted to be open here. With you. Because I don’t want you to have a bad impression of me. But in the end, it is not who I am to hide things. So here I go…

Several weeks ago I took the test that would change our family’s life. The little window said “pregnant” and removed all doubt about whether or not we were going to have a third child.

And this is where the story gets hard. Because I cried when I should have laughed. Because I got depressed when I should have been overjoyed. Because we were really, really, really happy with just two beautiful children. And I told myself over and over again about what a blessing from God this is. And I knew how many people there are in this world who would give anything to get pregnant. And I knew that I was carrying a baby that I needed to send good thoughts to. And logic told me all of these things were true. But my heart had not felt it. So I added guilt for the truth of my feelings to everything else.

And this truth {along with being quite sick for two weeks and pregnant-exhausted!} left me in a dark place. I did not like myself and thought that you might not like me for these feelings too. And I just could not face my blog for a moment. Until I collected my thoughts.

Then today I woke up feeling not as tired. I was not coughing as much. And I saw my baby for the first time.

And I fell in love.

The ultrasound showed its little legs and arms and it was moving around. At only two months pregnant, this tiny being inside me looked like a baby. And I knew that this was my child. My gift from God. Another joy in our life. And I felt happy. I felt connected and like I already have three kids. And like I know that it will be ok.

Falling in love is a funny thing. We cannot always control how it happens, and sometimes the road to get there is difficult. But when it happens, it is wonderful.

Now that you know my journey, I must tell you that I can honestly say I am thrilled to let you know that little baby Thompson will be born sometime in very early July!

That God is a funny guy…

When it was time to go, we all said our goodbyes and gave hugs and then went our separate ways. And I came home and was swamped with work and forgot all about the images from that party. Yes, they say that your memory is the first to go.

Then for some reason, last night out of the blue I remembered that I took photos at that party and never saw them again. This morning I frantically found all my old memory cards and one by one looked at the images they contained until, finally, I found the images from our party {whew!}.

I feel in love with two of the images of my niece, Madison, so I thought that I would quickly share them with you.

More posts {and my cool story!} to come soon…

I have yet to get a really good updated image of my own family {where does the time go?}! At the party, I asked someone to take a photo of us, and sadly, this was the best of the bunch {To no fault of the photographer}!

At least I got a cute one of Luke and Bella…