I kind of laughed and looked at Luke and said it still felt like I was dreaming. Since October I felt like I was in a dream. Just before I gave birth even I had to look down and try to let it sink in that I was pregnant and going to have a baby.

And then there he was and I was stumped. They took him away and cleared his throat and checked his vitals. And then it hit me.

I missed him.

I wanted him back with me. I needed to have my baby. My little boy. When were they going to bring him back to me? {I am crying a bit now as I write this because I still miss him when he is not with me. As a matter of fact, he is sleeping on my chest now as I type this blog.}

I have spent the last nine months thinking about how I have to go through all the baby trials again. All the diapers and no sleep and chasing around. The idea of all that work again terrified me. But I have met Will now and he is worth everything. I will happily do it all over again for him. My mind has gone from feeling fear over the work to feeling privileged that I get to do the work. Yes, I feel privileged that God gave me another child to love and raise. I am gaga over Will.

William Patrick – Born July 9th – 8lbs. 14 oz. (you feel me, ladies?!) – 20 inches – Wonderful!

I could go on and on about this new special little boy, but I will spare you and get right to some photos. I snapped these images just before we left the hospital. Little Will, less than two days old…

]]> http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/1293/feed 2 http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/1269 http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/1269#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:43:38 +0000 Jessie http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/?p=1269 There were two of us at my pity party this morning (2.9 if you count Will – still in my tummy!).

Today is July 6th. Today is my due date. Today at my doctor appointment the doctor said that I have not progressed towards delivery. Today she said that she will not schedule an induction because I am still not far enough along. Today I was trying not to cry at the appointment desk as I made another appointment for next week.

I have been waiting for this day since October. And I have been thinking of nothing else but being not pregnant anymore for the last month. I will not force you to attend my pity party too by going over details with you, but this last month of pregnancy has been one of the most uncomfortable times of my life, and never did I think that I would still be pregnant on this day, July 6th. And never did I think that the Doctor would say that I should make a 41-week appointment for next week!

So I came home from my appointment and sat at the table with Luke and cried. And felt sorry for myself. And he listened and stayed home from work and was the amazing husband that he always is. And now I feel better. And ready to meet Will. Oh so ready!

Luke suggested we go for a walk after our party. Bella looked at us and said, “We can go for a walk but mama should stay home and rest because her feet are too fat.” Out of the mouths of babes. Yes, I have been having some severe swelling problems this last month and walking has not been easy. I can only wear one pair of my shoes at the moment. I think that I will have some sort of shoe-burning party after my body returns to normal. I wonder how well these beauties will burn…

I learned about the website recalls.gov so I thought I would check them out. You know, just to see what they were all about. Just out of curiosity. And then my inner mom stepped in. Do I want to be notified of flu outbreaks? Of course I do! Do I want to be notified of car recalls? Of course I do! Do I want to be notified of child safety restraint recalls and food recalls and drug recalls and and and? Of course! Doesn’t every good mom need to know these things? I realize that I have survived over fours years of motherhood without them, but in that moment I could not go another second without these updates. I worked myself into a frenzy. It was not pretty.

And because I share so much with you, I thought that I would give you the opportunity to let your paranoid self come out too. Yes, why should I be the only one getting bombarded with daily emails making me more paranoid about everything I give my kids? Why not share the love? www.recalls.gov. I apologize to you in advance.

Of course I always need to include an image, so why what one of Miss Rylee from a recent shoot to remind us why we must know of any tire recalls immediately?! {Does my poking-fun-at-myself-sarcasm come through in these lines?}

My mom always told me that everything was better when I was there. That experiences were more fun and that she enjoyed herself more. That I brought something to the atmosphere like no one else could do in her world. She always made me feel so good about myself.

And then yesterday, Bella, Luke, and I played cards. Bella has recently learned Old Maid and Crazy Eights and Go Fish. Coming from a family whose core includes playing games, it melts my heart to see how much Bella loves to play. As we played, Bella kept cracking Luke and I up. She is wonderfully expressive, and the way she would squeal when someone took took the old maid from her or when she had just the right card to play, made Luke and I laugh so hard. She got excited about everything. She laughed hard. She played well. She was kind.

After I finally stopped laughing at one of her squeals, it came out naturally. “Bella, you make everything so much fun. It is always so much more fun when you are around.” And then I actually heard myself. I heard my mom in myself. And I remembered how my mom made me feel. But in that moment I was also aware of how my mom must have felt. I had to take a pause to feel this. To feel how much I adore this treasure of a child. How amazing I think she is. How terribly proud of her I am. How my life is 1000 times better with her in it. How she makes me laugh. How she teaches me new things. How she helps me know my mom better even five and a half years after her death.

I could go on and on here about how I adore Bella. When I asked God for a daughter, I never imagined that He would bless me with one so great. My life with her is better than I ever knew could exist. And on January 30th, she turned four. In the week before her birthday, out of the blue she would squeal and clap and shout “I am going to be four!” Oh to be excited about getting older!

At one of her three recent birthday celebrations, she received cowgirl boots. As grandma Lisa and I were sitting on the couch visiting, Bella was enjoying her new boots. Once she noticed me taking her picture, she came alive with a variety of unprompted poses. All these photos were taken within a minute and ten seconds of each other! She is a natural…

Grandma Lisa arrived with a party hat she made for Bella as well as a Tinkerbell cake and fairy wings. She knows how to bring a party!

We have a local favorite place to go called Stabby’s Cafe (awesome breakfasts!), and we went there for a birthday breakfast. Bella and Abe were both sick and tired and it was not what we had hoped for, but fun nonetheless. Abe did not want to cooperate for the camera, and two seconds after I took the shot of him creating a fork/glass tower, he flung his fork across the table and spilled Bella’s entire glass of juice everywhere, making us the restaurant favorites. This parenting thing is a piece of cake…

Our final party of the weekend and Bella requested a princess cake (of course!)…

I know it is a lot of images of my Bella, but sometimes I have just got to be an over-proud mom who wants to show off her kids! Thanks for hanging in there with me.:)

So today when he did another shrill frustration scream, he and I had a chat. I again told him that screaming was not ok and that he had to talk instead {which he does quite well by now}. I told him that when he gets frustrated he could make a “grrrr” noise and clench his teeth and fists to blow off some steam. I did this for him a couple of times.

Grrr. Teeth and fists clenched. Grrrr. Teeth and fists clenched. See? Easy. Frustration gone.

Then I asked him to try. He did exactly as I had just showed him with a little added pre-learned twist. Grrrr. Teeth and fists clenched. Stomp foot while saying a frustrated “dammit!” under his breath. I was so surprised that I had to turn away to conceal my laughter. {Let me just interject at this point to say that in no way do I condone children swearing and in general do not find it funny – but really- when your child says a minor swear word and executes it so perfectly, it just takes you by surprise and you have to have one of those hiding-your-laughter-because-it-is-wrong moments!} I was at such a loss for words that our conversation just ended. For lack of a better strategy I decided to accept the screams for the rest of the day and ponder over a better response for next time. After all, the screams were better than his alternative. Just another fine parenting day…

So this post doesn’t go photoless, I am including a photo from when we went to see Cinderella at the Children’s Theater on December 31st. Notice Abe’s new haircut and my cheeks getting chubbier…:)

And then one day in late-December I was walking into Chipotle and I was giddy. The kids and I were spending the day with some of our dear friends and I went on a Chipotle lunch run for my friend and I. And I was suddenly conscious of feeling joyful again. That moment is so clear in my head as I parked the car and walked in the snow to get our goodies.

The snow was falling so beautifully – what a blessing. I got to eat Chipotle for lunch – what a blessing. The kids were happily playing with their best friends and I got to hang out with one of mine for the day – what a blessing. I was not tired – what a blessing. I had survived my first trimester with a 2- and 3-year old and a major cold – what a blessing! Yes, I was giddy. As in giggling to myself while waiting in line and chatting with the people behind the counter and singing loudly to the radio my whole drive back to my friend’s house. My life was good.

But the funny thing is that my life was good the entire time and I knew that. I just couldn’t feel it. I didn’t have the mental and physical energy to feel my life. I was just surviving. And now I get to live again. To have the energy to play with my kids. To kiss my husband. To stay awake for life…At least until July when I am up feeding a newborn all night! Hum…I had better take full advantage of it while I can!

Part of “waking up” means that I get to work again (yea!). Since I am thinking of joy and friendship I wanted to post a couple images that go on that same theme from a wedding we shot on Saturday. Beautiful Jess was so joyful and giddy on her wedding day, and this moment she shared with her friend makes me smile…

You see, my son has been ever-so-attached to rabbit for a long time now. He doesn’t need rabbit. After asking for rabbit and being told that he was lost, Abe still slept just fine last night without him. No, he loves rabbit. He hugs him and sleeps with him and kisses him and laughs and giggles whenever he sees rabbit. He gives him giant squeeze hugs and sometimes, when he doesn’t know I am listening, I hear him tell rabbit that he loves him. Now do you see why I was crying?

We have narrowed it down to rabbit falling off of the stroller when we walked all around downtown St. Paul yesterday. So this morning the kids and I went back to St. Paul and wandered the streets looking for rabbit. I even talked with the parking meter guy who said that he sees all city workers during the day and would ask everyone if they saw a stuffed rabbit. If he wasn’t such a nice guy I would have thought that I would become the butt of his jokes for the rest of the day {I would be known as The Crazy Rabbit Lady by all the city of St. Paul workers}, but he really seemed to take on our cause. Or I should actually say my cause. Because although when I told Abe that we were going to look for rabbit he got excited and said “Thank you very much!,” he hasn’t asked for rabbit since. He has not cried about it. He didn’t have dreams about rabbit all alone last night. His heart doesn’t seem to ache at the thought that we will never see rabbit again. That seems to be all me.

But who knows what our little ones really think and feel. I believe that they feel more than they are able to show. They are little people too, who laugh and cry and love and miss. So I just found a replica {or so I hope!} of rabbit online and couldn’t give them my credit card number fast enough.

I know that it will probably not be the same when Abe sees his new friend. I have made a promise to never to lie to my kids, so he will know that this is a different rabbit. Even if he doesn’t like the new replica of Rabbit, at least I will feel like I did what I could. And isn’t that all we moms can do sometimes?

I thought I would share some of the images I took during our St. Paul walk. This parking garage was perfect! Notice rabbit in one of the shots. Poor rabbit must miss Abe.

{By the way, I know that Abe needs a haircut. I keep waiting to set up a cool “first haircut shoot,” but haven’t had the time so his hair just keeps getting longer and longer. It is getting to the point of us just getting out the kitchen scissors and doing it myself one of these days. Does everything in my life need to be the perfect photo shoot?}

When I originally posted this blog I forgot to include this first image of Abe and I. As I was laying on the ground taking photographs of the kids, Abe decided that he was done with the shoot. He ran to me, threw himself and rabbit on my back and snuggled in. Laughing, I handed the camera to Luke to get this shot.

]]> http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/668/feed 8 http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/533 http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/archives/533#comments Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:50:35 +0000 Jessie http://www.joyfulgirlphotography.com/blog/?p=533 She carried her vacuum to my front door and she was beautiful. Her skin. Her curly red hair. Her smile. All wonderful. And she was coming to save me.

Danyel had just started her cleaning business not long ago, and through our conversation I could tell that she loved cleaning, but still could not get used to seeing herself in this “cleaning lady” role. It felt like she just wasn’t seeing the big picture.

I was having a rough week last week and I know you can all relate to my story. I was overwhelmed with my job, my kids (who are home with me full-time – yes, you try to get any work done with a two- and three-year old around!), and trying to maintain a sane house on top of everything else. I felt like I was a bad mother and a horrible house-keeper. Those two things were coming second and third to my client shoots and meetings and photo edits. I felt so bad about myself.

I had two options:

1. Keep going as I was and start saving money every month for an adult therapy fund for my children.

2. Get help now.

I started calling babysitters for regular babysitting/daycare and not just on an as-needed basis. It was time to give myself this consistent break so I can work more efficiently and have more fun-time with my kids.

And then I called Danyel. And she agreed to come clean my house on short-notice, just in time for my final two client meetings of the week. And I took a deep breath. And again. You see, it wasn’t just about the clean toilet I was going to have.

It was about one more three-hour task that I could cross off my list. It was about being able to spend that time getting my work done rather than cleaning so I can spend more time with my kids. It was about having a presentable place to invite my clients so I could feel more relaxed. It was about my sanity. It was about feeling good about myself again.

Yes, she carried in her vacuum, and yes, she cleaned my toilet. But what she was really giving me was a bit of myself back.

And I believe that all of our jobs work in the same way. Yes, I take pictures. That’s the technical bit. But really, I give people memories. I give them images of their lives that they can have for a lifetime. I help them to stop and think for a moment. About their love. About what makes them happy. That is the big picture of my world and I feel blessed to have this life as a photographer.

What is the big picture of your world? I bet that it is about more than just the clean toilet too.

Because I am a photographer, here is a little image of cute Freya…

Then there is the flip side. When you do what you love, you can never really take a vacation. You kind of miss your work. It is such a part of you. Darn those passions!

So I was on one of those vacations at my in-laws’ cabin for the 4th of July. And I met Eavie. She and I took one look at each other and smiled…a photo shoot was inevitable!

Eavie is seven months old. She is incredibly beautiful. She was wearing the cutest little plaid shirt. And she could not stop smiling and giggling at me. Really smiling. Really. And when Eavie smiles, her entire face smiles. Her eyes smile. Her cheeks and mouth, and even her nose, smiles. She really was too cute. The weather was perfect. And my camera was right next to me as of course I was taking photos of my family from the day. With the exception of me being in my swimsuit, it was perfect! How could we not have a spontaneous mini-session right then and there?

During our time together (a whole 15 minutes!), I learned that Eavie recently had her portraits taken. Her mom took her to an unnamed studio (of which there is one in your town no doubt) and had a terrible time. The man taking the portraits was in her face right away and made her cry for most of the session. There was only one shot from the session that where Eavie was kind of not crying. It was not a good experience. 

So you can imagine how thrilled I was to have this beautiful little girl smiling at me, begging for a photo session! Her daddy’s birthday is in July and he deserves a fun photograph of his baby girl. I sure hope they like the images!

Here are a few of my favorites…

The next day they came over to say goodbye, and Eavie was in the cutest little dress for the 4th…and two cabins down there was a blue cabin and, well, I couldn’t resist again! She is the prettiest little girl!

I couldn’t resist making one of my new client favorites with some of Eavie’s images. How fun would it be to have one 20×20 print like this for every year of your child’s life?! I have visions of a hallway full of these from the years and some day when the kids are grown you can just walk down the hallway and see your kids grow up again before your eyes. I get misty-eyed just thinking about it.

CONFESSION! Yes, Eavie liked me. But she really loved my little Bella, who managed to bring out the best in her. Eavie’s face lit up for Bella and it was so fun to see. Apparently during the little shoot, Bella was by my side the entire time, mimicking me. My husband said it was the cutest thing. I get a little “in the zone” during shoots so I have to admit that I wasn’t paying too much attention to Bella, but I did manage to get one shot of her acting like a little photographer. She is using her play cell phone as a camera. And since this was a spontaneous shoot near the lake, Bella is in her skivvies after swimming for a while. I am completely touched by her mimicking me. How I love that little girl…